How Have Things Changed After A Year?

By Deborah Cross Werner

First of all, I don’t cry every day, but…

Our hearts are still broken after 14 months. The pain never leaves and we miss Jamie so much. He was such a presence with so much energy, whether it was positive or negative. If he was upbeat and feeling good we knew it would be a fantastic evening; if he was down we knew things might not go so well.

So what has changed? I guess you could say things will never return to the old normal. We have to find a “new normal” and we clearly are still working on that. We have been able to get through the holidays and birthdays without our Jamie. We have kept some of our old traditions but have also started some new practices. We are beginning to move forward, not on. As a parent I will never move on; my son will always be in my broken heart by my side and in my thoughts. We must move forward. It would be disrespectful to Jamie to stay stuck. He never ever would want us to cease living. He loved life too much to see his family never feel joy, happiness and good times again. This observation has taken a lot of soul-searching on my part. I did want to shrivel up and die for a long time. I did not think I could go on but after a while I realized Jamie would hate that!

My belief in the afterlife and all the signs I get from Jamie, (almost daily) have helped me to move forward. It also helps, so much, as a parent to see my two remaining children finding a new normal, living life, finding happiness and experiencing all the good things they deserve in this world.

In no way am I suggesting that I still don’t experience overwhelming loss, loss that is so intense it takes my breath away. I have just learned how to deal with it for Jamie and the rest of my family- this is our “new normal”.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
A New Lover
What We’ve Learned – Part One

4 Comments. Leave new

  • Kathy S Connelly
    April 6, 2018 6:32 pm

    Deb, so good to hear you’re thoughts. The new “normal” must be tough to define. Keep hanging in there, and moving forward, my friend ! love you !

  • Anne Werner Richardson
    April 7, 2018 6:32 pm

    Your soul-searching and honesty are so moving and the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross quotation is helpful for all of us. I send you admiration for posting this and love always.

  • Marli Pasternak
    April 8, 2018 3:00 pm

    I echo Anne Werner Richardson’s comment above. Having talked with you just a little, I’ve been amazed at the depth of your thoughts. I am so happy to hear your resolve to keep going as I’m sure you are right that that’s what Jamie would want. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but I am glad you are finding a way to keep him by your side as you figure it out. So many of us send you healing thoughts so if there is indeed karma in the world, I hope you are feeling it on this bittersweet day for you.

  • Carol Schaengold
    April 8, 2018 7:28 pm

    I am (and all who read your words are) so touched by your honesty, strength and pursuit of the new normal. It’s good that you have found a way to keep Jamie in your thoughts as you move forward whether it be in music, nature or his memories. Sending much love and support. Love you!


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